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Dear NSA - Humor

Smoky Mountain Elementary School Career Days

Dear NSA,

Hi there. My name is Hannah Bonanos and I live in a small town in Southern B.C. That’s part of Canada. I am writing to you to ask if you could send someone to my school’s career days which are coming up in the New Year. That’s 2015 up here. I am 13 years old, in grade 8, and this is my last year of Elementary before I go on to High School.

The reason I am writing to you is that my friend Trish says I’m a very good listener. She says that since you are such good listeners too, perhaps I should invite one of your members to come here and speak so that I and my fellow classmates can learn about what you do and see if that is a career prospect we might consider for the future. As it stands, I am currently considering Mink Farmer, Train Engineer or Surveillance Analyst.

My friend Trish says that NSA stands for National Spying Agency and she heard that from some guy named Eddie Snowden. But don’t worry, I corrected her. I told her the “S” stands for Surveillance and that’s what makes you guys such good listeners.

Now I know I live in Canada right now but my dad is originally from Colorado so I am part American, as well as being Canadian. When I asked my dad which part of me was American he said it was my ears, and that’s why I’m such a good listener.

Like with my friend Trish, I understand there’s some confusion about what NSA stands for, and sometimes your abbreviation gets confused with others like NRA or NSF. I know about the NRA because my grandpa Bert, who still lives in Colorado, is a member and he says it’s just a boys club for people with guns and not a government agency. As to NSF well I know something about that cause those letters appear on my parent’s bank statements sometimes and I know that has nothing to do with you. Like I said, I do know for certain that NSA stands for National Surveillance Agency and is nothing like NASA which is about shooting people into space.

Speaking of shooting, my grandpa Bert told me that he had to lock up his guns after an incident involving my dad when he was still a kid. It seems that dad decided he would do some target practicing in his back yard and accidentally shot the tail off the neighbor’s cat. Stumpy survived apparently but was never the same. Because he was such a large cat, with just a stub of a tail now, he was often mistaken for a Bob Cat and was shot at repeatedly over the next few years. My dad thought Stumpy might have developed Post-Traumatic 
Stress Scenario and went into permanent hiding. It was shortly after Stumpy was last seen that my dad decided he wanted to move to Canada.

Speaking of Canada, I know that this country is involved with the NSA cause I heard it on the news up here. Dad says that if we have the same organization in Canada then it is probably called the NS-Eh. At any rate I am still inviting you guys from the American NSA because my ears are mostly American like my dad said.

I Googled NSA to learn more about you and where you were located but I couldn’t find you on Google Earth. Apparently there’s an outlet mall where your building is supposed to be in that place in Utah. It doesn’t matter right now because if you send someone up here we are really easy to find on Google Earth. My Uncle Bud, he’s not my real uncle, says we are always being watched up here by some surveillance craft flying overhead. I think Uncle Bud may be paranoid because on the news someone is always looking for B.C. Bud and he thinks it’s him. I’m sure Uncle Bud is not the only man with that name and there are lots of other Buds the authorities may be looking for. Speaking of which, nobody actually knows where Uncle Bud lives.

Back to career days. My mother says it may be too early in my development to consider a career with the NSA. I do know that the women in my family are late bloomers, physically speaking, so even though I’m already 13 I’m still waiting for my boobs to show up. When I talked to mum about this she said to just be patient, we Bonanos women all get there eventually.

Apparently my dad overheard this conversation cause he said that the NSA was full of boobs and I should have no trouble fitting in once I’m fully matured as a woman. I take that as encouragement and I should just follow my dreams.

Speaking of boobs, what’s up with Angelina Jolie? I heard she got new ones. Did she get them from you guys, since my dad says you have a boob warehouse? He used to really like her but now he says she no longer has original equipment so he’s not that big of a fan anymore. I heard Robin Williams say that if women wanted to get boob jobs they should have them come with speakers, then men would really listen to them.

Is it true that the NSA has a warehouse full of boobs? I’m pretty sure I’m going to develop naturally but I want a back-up plan in case something goes wrong. Oh yeah, if I do join the NSA or NS-Eh will the boobs be free?

I hope you understand that I am very serious about this request for an NSA speaker. Your presence at my school’s career days would be very beneficial in helping a number of us kids decide our future. My friend Trish says that I am crazy for even considering this type of career, but I don’t care. All I know is I want to be helpful to my fellow humans and lend my American ears to a great cause.

Please let me know ASAP (as soon as possible) if someone from your agency can come, otherwise I will have to ask Uncle Bud to step in and talk about his business. He says it’s hard to describe, but it does have to do with farming. I know that’s true cause I hear him talking about crops all the time. But really now, would I want to be a farmer, when I am already such a good listener? I don’t think so. For now at least I believe I want to be a Surveillance Analyst, just like you guys. Looking forward to your reply.


Hannah Bonanos
Smoky Mountain Elementary

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